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User blog:LakuitaBro01.2/Lak's Total Drama ERB Episode 1: Two Pilots, Two Leaders, A Lot of Problems
The camera shows an island in the middle of a lake. The camera shows what’s going on at the island. Construction is going underway as logs are being cut and placed onto foundations. ???: Hey boss…es, where do you want this log? Boss 1: Set it right there! ???: Where? Boss 2: where all the other logs are stacked on a wall you moron! Ugh… I’m tellin’ ya, Peter, why did you hire these people? NicePeter: They came cheap, Lloyd. ???: Is this good? EpicLloyd: Yes! You guys can take an hour off, I guess… ???: Sweet! The two workers head off to a building. EpicLloyd: You should’ve hired actual workers instead of people from rap battles we’ve done… NicePeter: Well, Michael Jordan and Mr. T were desperate so… EpicLloyd: Fine, where is Moses? He’s supposed to be preparing the food! A worker passes by. NicePeter: Hey, Leonidas, can you go check on Moses? Leonidas: Sure thing, Peter! Leonidas heads off to a building where smoke is coming from the building. Leonidas emerges coughing. EpicLloyd: Well? Leonidas: Well Moses is… uh… EpicLloyd: What is Moses doing, Leonidas? Leonidas: He’s burning some bush. I opened the door and he looked at me and asked “God? Is that you?” NicePeter: Damnit! Ugh… Leonidas, do you know what Newton’s doing? Leonidas: Planning out the construction. He got laws or whatever… The loudspeakers turn on. ???: This is Bill O’Reilly here and we have some problems… NicePeter: Like what? Bill O’Reilly: Well… the first boat is arriving… EpicLloyd: WHAT?! Bill O’Reilly: Yeah… that’s a problem… NicePeter: Crap. *pulls out a walkie talkie* Jordan, Mr. T, you need to hurry up with these cabins. Michael Jordan: Why? NicePeter: Because the boats are arriving soon! Mr. T: Why? EpicLloyd: Because they’re here to compete! Mr.T and Michael Jordan: Why- Leonidas grabs the walkie-talkie and crushes it in his hand. NicePeter *backing away a little*: Woah, calm down… Leonidas: They aren’t helping so you know what? I’ll do it. Leonidas heads over to the one unfinished cabin and starts picking up logs and stacking them and connecting them. In no time, the cabin is finished. Leonidas: There! The loudspeakers turn on again. Bill O’Reilly: This just in, the first boat is a mile from the dock. EpicLloyd: Alrighty then, let’s go! The camera shows Peter and Lloyd at the dock. A boat carrying a lot of the contestants approaches the dock. NicePeter: This is the Season 1 Boat? Kim Jong-Il- A small object is thrown at EpicLloyd, knocking it down. It causes a small explosion and Lloyd stumbles to get up. Kim Jong-Il: Explosives! GRENADES! Kim Jong-Il grabs more grenades as he is tackled by Leonadis and Leonadis throws the grenades into the water. Leonadis: I’ll restrain him… EpicLloyd: Alright, then. Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin: Here! Sarah Palin walks out and one of her heels breaks and she falls. Sarah Palin: Damn these heels! NicePeter lifts her up. NicePeter: Alright, go stand over there, try not to fall. Sarah Palin: Okay, I won’t. Sarah Palin stumbles over to the waiting area. She falls down after three steps. Sarah Palin: MOTHERFU- EpicLloyd: NEXT! A wraith-looking creature grabs NicePeter. NicePeter: Welcome to the show- hey, Yet to Come, you’re not in Season 1! Nor are you on this show! ???: EXPECTO PATRONUM! A glowing creature tackles and kills the wraith-creature. An old man walks up to NicePeter and pulls him up. NicePeter: Thanks, Dumbledore. Dumbledore: You’re welcome, Dementors comes out of nowhere sometimes, you know… Dumbledore walks over next to Palin. Three people stumble off of the boat. EpicLloyd: What the- ???: Ugh, get off of me! ???: I have such a raging boner right now! Stuck on top of a girl! ???: Hi there neighbors… NicePeter: Uhh… err… Welcome Lady Gaga, Vince Offer, and Mr. Rogers! Lady Gaga: Ugh, men… Vince Offer: You can’t handle the magic, baby! Mr. Rogers: Calm down, neighbors, there’s no need to argue! EpicLloyd: Yeah, listen to your neighborhood pedophile! Mr. Rogers: … NicePeter: NEXT! Nothing happens. NicePeter: I said NEX- A cannon shoots the boat, causing it to sink. A wooden ship comes up to the dock. EpicLloyd: DAMNIT COLUMBUS! THAT BOAT COST US A 100,000 DOLLARS! Christopher Columbus: Not my problem! You had to put the boat there… Another boat with a lot of contestants arrives at the dock. Is destroys Columbus’ boat and it sinks. His crew jumps off of the boat. Christopher Columbus: WHAT?! NicePeter: Okay, now- The boat is shot at as another wooden ship arrives carrying another set of contestants. Captain of Boat: ARGH! SEASON 3 IS BETTER! NicePeter: Leonidas, can you go and help the Season 2 contestants out of the water? Leonidas: Sure. EpicLloyd: Okay then… Blackbeard, since you’re the captain, you come out here first! Blackbeard: Woooo! I be cap’n Blackbeard! The most ferocious sailer on the Seven Seas! NicePeter: Yeah, yeah, NEXT! A coffin is thrown onto the deck. It opens and a man steps out. EpicLloyd: Nice introduction? Welcome to the competition, Edgar Allan Poe! Edgar Allan Poe: Yes, yes thank you for welcoming me… NicePeter: NEXT! Three contestants trip over each other and fall on top of each other. ???: Why the fuck are you on top of me? ???: Why are you on me? ???: Listen here, sweetcheeks, you’re the one who caused this. Vince Offer: SO HOT! EpicLloyd: Umm… welcome Miley Cyrus, Goku, and Al Capo- Goku: KAMEHAMEHA! A giant beam of energy blasts from Goku’s hands, causing Miley Cyrus and Al Capone to fly into different directions. Goku: They wouldn’t get off of me! Al Capone: How the- Miley Cyrus: What the hell, asshole?! NicePeter: Leonidas, how’s it going with the Season 2 characters? Leonidas: They’re all out of the water. NicePeter: Okay, now who will be our first Season 2 Competitor- They all trip over each other stumbling towards the two. Two hands from two different people emerge from the heap of contestants. EpicLloyd: Welcome Steve Jobs and Bill Gates! Steve Jobs: Thank you for the welco- GATES?! Bill Gates: JOBS?! Steve Jobs: GATES! Bill Gates: JOBS! Steve Jobs: GAAAAAAAAAAAATES! Bill Gates: JOOOOOOOOOOOBS! ???: HEE-HEE! NicePeter: Nice to see ya, Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson: Oh, yeah, MJ is in to rock the building! Two men crawl out from the bottom of the heap of characters. One of them punches the other. ???: Wilbur you idiot! You tripped everyone! ???: Sorry, Orville… NicePeter: Welcome Wilbur Wright and Orville Wright! Orville Wright: Do yourself something useful and get outta my sight! Wilbur Wright: Yes, Orville… A man and a woman walk off of the boat but are both shoved out of the way by another man. NicePeter: Welcome Eve, Freddie Mercury, and Joseph Stalin! Freddie Mercury: What the hell, man? Just because you were a world leader- Joseph Stalin: PEER INTO THE EYES OF THE MAN WHO MADE MOTHER RUSSIA HIS BITCH! Eve: Woooah now, don’t get mad… Freddie Mercury: Yeah, don’t be such a dick… Joseph Stalin: I’m not taking crap from a man who died from an STD! Freddie Mercury: I took one for both teams unlike you who betrayed Lenin… Joseph Stalin: Wha- how DARE you! EpicLloyd: Woah, break it up, guys… The last three contestants step off of the boat. NicePeter: Finally, welcome Barack Obama, Bruce Lee, and Mozart! Mozart: Thank you for the welcome, I will now go- Barack Obama: Yes, you will. Thank you for the introduction, Lloyd, Peter, I’ll take over from here… EpicLloyd: I’m sorry, what? Barack Obama: Well I was coming to this show, correct? This is a job! EpicLloyd: Umm… it’s a competition, not a job. The only chance you have at being leader of something is if you win the vote on who the leader should be for your team. Barack Obama: Should be… uhh… easy! NicePeter: How are you, Bruce Lee? Bruce Lee: WA-TAAH! NicePeter: … I’m sorry? Bruce Lee: WA-TAAH! NicePeter: Uhh… nice to meet you too… okay. Lloyd will tell you your teams! EpicLloyd: Alright, for team one, we have Blackbeard, Sarah Palin, Kim Jong-Il, Vince Offer, Mr. Rogers, Christopher Colombus, Orville Wright, Wilbur Wright, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Lady Gaga for Team One. For Team Two, we have Al Capone, Freddie Mercury, Eve, Bruce Lee, Miley Cyrus, Goku, Edgar Allan Poe, Joseph Stalin, Barack Obama, Dumbledore, Mozart! Decide on who the team leader shall be! Freddie Mercury: Uhhh… Why do we have 11 people? NicePeter: Muhammad Ali couldn’t come so we had to do this. Now get to it! TEAM ONE Sarah Palin: I’m the only person on this team who has led something before so I should be leader. Blackbeard: ARGH! I beg ta differ! Sarah Palin: Oh really, what have you led? Blackbeard: I led one of the most dangerous crews in the Seven Seas. You just led a big state in the US that has a small population! Sarah Palin: Yeah, sure, may I remind you that I was at least organized? Blackbeard: Sure, you were, but at the same time, you be a horrible person to be in office! How about we settle this the old fashioned way? Blackbeard pulls his sword out on Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin: How about we do what civilized people do and vote for who they want? Blackbeard: Hmm… I be liking that idea… this IS a new coat… Sarah Palin: All of those in favor of Blackbeard, say his name! Everyone except for Blackbeard and Sarah Palin: Blackbeard… Blackbeard: AH-HA! Sarah Palin: But-but why? And how? Silence. Sarah Palin: Really? No reason? Lady Gaga: Pirates are cool? I dunno, sweet cheeks… Sarah Palin: That’s not even- Blackbeard: It be good enough for me! Cheers for the new cap’n! Everyone cheers except for Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin: I’m going to destroy him… Bill Gates: Team name idea: Jobs Suck Dick Steve Jobs: Another team name idea: Gates Sucks Major Dick Blackbeard: I will not tolerate arguing in on me team, we be the Irate Pirates! TEAM TWO Al Capone: I’ll take charge of this team! Barack Obama: Who-uh-made you the leader? I’m the only one here-uh-has experience as a leader Al Capone: I’m leader Barack Obama: I-uh-don’t think you understand- Al Capone points his gun at Barack Obama. Barack Obama: You-uh-can be the leader! Al Capone: Exactly my own thoughts Edgar Allan Poe: Team name, Capone? Al Capone: We will be Team Capwners. Edgar Allan Poe: Good name. Edgar Allan Poe: Lame. Al Capone: I can feel that Poe will be out to get people, maybe even me. NicePeter: Hay, have you all decided yet or all you fucking around? Mr. Rogers: That’s a little harsh… Blackbeard: ARGH! We be done for five minutes now! I be the cap’n of this team, and the team name be the Irate Pirates! Al Capone: Yeah, Cap’n Crunch. I’m the leader of this team, the Capwners Vince Offer: OUR TEAM IS BETTER! Miley Cyrus: It’s not a competition to see who’s team name is better, asswipe! Christopher Columbus: Sorry about him. He can be really rude and disgusting Miley Cyrus: You don’t have to apologi- Christopher Columbus: He’s sorta like you! Miley Cyrus: What?! Lady Gaga: I agree, she’s a bitch. Bill Gates: Everyone just shut up! Steve Jobs: Yeah Gates, shut up! Bill Gates: Motherfucker, Jobs! Blackbeard: ARGH, STOP FIGHTING! Michael Jackson: WOO! Listen up to the Cap’n, folks! Goku: KAMEHAMEHA! A beam blasts through the fighters, throwing them everywhere. Goku: God damnit! Just stop arguing! It gets annoying- Kim Jong-Il: EXPLOSIONS! There is a giant explosion which sinks the boats and destroys the dock. NicePeter and EpicLloyd are standing on the only platform of dock left. EpicLloyd: Nice call moving here. NicePeter: I know right? EpicLloyd: Now how do we get down from here? NicePeter: We swim! NicePeter pushes EpicLloyd into the water. EpicLloyd: You dick… The camera cuts to the contestants, who are all wet, standing in the middle of the camp. EpicLloyd has a towel around him. Sarah Palin: Umm… are we going to get towels or… EpicLloyd: Are you a host? I don’t think so. Wilbur Wright: Umm… when are we going to eat? Orville Wright: Shut the fuck up, Wilbur! When are we going to eat? NicePeter: Moses is preparing the food but I suppose that we can go to the Mess Hall… The camera cuts to the mess hall where the tables are set for one side being Team Irate Pirates and the other Team Capwners. NicePeter and EpicLloyd are sitting at a table in the middle of the far side of the room. Freddie Mercury: Seriously, where’s the food?! EpicLloyd: Moses is still preparing it! NicePeter: I’m getting hungry too… EpicLloyd: You’re a host, don’t complain! Actually, Moses is taking longer than usual. Uhh… Leonidas, Michael Jordan, Mr. T, can you go and check to see if Moses is done? Michael Jordan: Sure thing, Pete! The three leave the room and after a few seconds, they start screaming into the Mess Hall. Leonidas: NOPE! Mr. T: GET IT AWAY FROM ME! EpicLloyd: What? NicePeter: There’s nothing around you! Michael Jordan: There was something trying to get us! EpicLloyd: What, a ghost? A giant, orange, transparent figure phases through the door. EpicLloyd: AAAHHH! A GHOST! The door gets kicked open and four men run in. One of them kicks a box towards the ghost, landing right underneath it. NicePeter: THE GHOSTBUSTERS! The other three blast it with some sort of laser beams as the one who kicked the box toward the ghost presses a button, sucking the ghost in. Winston Zeddemore: YEAH! WHO YOU GONNA CALL? GHOSTBUSTERS, BABY! Egon Spengler: Don’t celebrate just yet; the paranormal readings are off the chart in this area. Ray Stanz: You guys do realize that more than half of the other people in this room are dead. Egon Spengler: No, I mean- there are ghosts here… Peter Venkman: Well should we, y’know, recruit more people. Ahem. EpicLloyd: Yeah, you can do it yourse- NicePeter grabs EpicLloyd and pulls him towards him. NicePeter: Remember how we didn’t have an idea for a challenge? Here it is! EpicLloyd: Huh? Oh, right! Uhh… Ghostbusters! These-um-contestants will assist you in this little problem here… Winston Zeddemore: Uhh.. no- Peter Venkman: Winston, be quiet, they will volunteer to help? Wilbur Wright: N- Orville Wright: Shut the hell up, Wilbur! NicePeter: Yes, they will! Egon Spengler: Well okay then, we have proton packs in the back. The camera cuts to each contestant with a proton pack. Team Irate Pirates are on one side and Team Capwners are on the other. Ray Stanz: You are holding Proton Packs, what we use to capture ghosts. Egon, wanna take over? Egon Spengler: Sure. Now there have been a lot of signals of paranormal activity here. We believe that there’s a paranormal being here of big proportions. Now, you will scavenge the landscape for this being. Good? Good. Now go. The two teams start out through the forest. TEAM CAPWNERS Al Capone: A little ghost bustin’? This shall be easy… Mozart: Yes but there’s on problem, we have eleven people on this team so we have to win this. Freddie Mercury: What exactly are the chances of that? Edgar Allan Poe: The hell would we know? We don’t have any smart people or strategists on this team. Joseph Stalin: I lead Mother Russia, isn’t that strategic enough? Miley Cyrus: If killing off a majority of your country’s populations counts as strategic then yes. Joseph Stalin I- okay, fair enough… Al Capone: Hey, Dumbledore, you can do magic and shit, right? Do you know where we can find this paranormal being or whatever? Dumbledore: No, I’m afraid not. The only thing I can do is paralyze it. Eve: I’m sorry, paralyze a ghost? Dumbledore: It’s a spell. Eve: Well… uhh… good for you? Goku: Guys, stop, do you hear that? Bruce Lee: WHATA- Goku: Shush! Everyone goes silent as heavy footsteps can be heard running rampant. Barack Obama: What-uh-is that? EARLIER: TEAM IRATE PIRATES Sarah Palin: Okay, we need to find this… ghost. Bill Gates: I sacrifice Jobs when we find it. Steve Jobs: Oh just screw you, man! Blackbeard: ARGH! WHAT DID I SAY?! Steve Jobs/Bill Gates: If we argue then you’ll gut us alive… Blackbeard: Exactly… Michael Jackson: WOO! Don’t be so harsh on them, Blackbeard, they need to work out their differences! WOO! Blackbeard faces towards Michael Jackson. Blackbeard: Ergh… I suppose that could happen… Mr. Rogers: Yeah, don’t pressure them! Let them work it out! Blackbeard: I’ll allow it, but, if there be one fuck-up- Blackbeard turns around to see Steve Jobs and Bill Gate punching each other. Blackbeard: They fucked up. Steve Jobs: Get off of me, Gates! Bill Gates: How about you go screw yourself?! Lady Gaga: Gentlemen, gentlemen, calm down! Wilbur Wright: Yeah guys! Listen to her- Orville Wright: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WILBUR! Mr. Rogers: Woah there, neighbor, why do you talk to your brother like that? Orville Wright: He’s a fucking moron and he doesn’t do anything with his life! Mr. Rogers: Didn’t you drop out of High School? Orville Wright: Yes, I did, but so did he! Mr. Rogers: So if you do the same as him, why must you abuse him? Orville Wright: Because he’s worthless! Christopher Columbus: Oh my god, will you two shut up? Stop trying to solve problems and you stop abusing your brother! CAPISHE? Orville Wright: Go back to Spain you spaghetti eating fuck! The camera cuts to Orville Wright crying as he’s pulling a piece of cloth out of his pants. Orville Wright: Oww… Christopher Columbus: Claimed for Spain! Vince Offer: UH! So hot! Kim Jong-Il: Why are you so disturbing? Vince Offer: What do you mean? Kim Jong-Il: You take something that has to do with female body parts or whatever and then you say “so hot” or whatever! Vince Offer: Ugh. Go back to shouting- There is an explosion off in the distance. Kim Jong-Il: EXPLOSION! Vince Offer: There we go. Heavy footsteps are heard. ???: Aww… aww… Wilbur Wright: What in the hell is that? A giant, white, plushy-looking figure approaches the group. It glares at them. Blackbeard: Argh, we be needing a bigger trap… Steve Jobs and Bill Gates stand next to each other. Steve Jobs looks at Bill Gates and shoves him towards the figure and runs away, followed by the rest of his team and Bill Gates. PRESENT TIME Team Irate Pirates run past Team Capwners. The figure lumbers after them. Team Capwners runs as well. The contestants arrive at the camp. Ray Stantz: Oh, back so soon? Find anything? Al Capone: Big ass-huff-giant-white figure! The figure lumbers through the forest and slows down and screeches to a stop. Winston Zeddemore: What the hell? Egon Spengler: Is that? Peter Venkman: The Stay Puft Marshmellow Man? DAMNIT, RAY! Ray Stantz: I’m sorry, I was hungry! Egon Spengler: Umm… okay, here’s the plan. You all shoot at Stay Puft. Got it? Good. Sarah Palin: That’s it? Winston Zeddemore: It exploded the last time we went against it. Just do it! Michael Jackson: ALRIGHT, WOO! Let’s do thi- Stay Puft swings down and hits Michael Jackson, Orville and Wilbur Wright, and Mr. Rogers out of the way as all the others continue to fire. Peter Venkman: Alright, guys, keep it up! Stay Pufts hand comes down once again and knocks Lady Gaga, Sarah Palin, Eve, and Edgar Allan Poe out of the way. Ray Stantz: You’re, uh, doing good? Stay Puft leg sweeps Bruce Lee, Miley Cyrus, Dumbledore, Kim Jong-Il, Vince Offer, and Bill Gates out of the way. Steve Jobs: HA-HA! Stay Puft punches Steve Jobs into the Mess Hall. Blackbeard: ARGH! Me team be knocked out? Egon Spengler: You guys are… ugh… Al Capone: LOOK! WE’RE TRYING, OKAY- OOF! Al Capone is knocked down by Stay Puft. Stay Puft: Aww… aww… Stay Puft kicks Barack Obama, Joseph Stalin, Mozart, and Freddie Mercury out of the way. Winston Zeddemore: Okay, they’re screwed. Ray Stantz: Yep… Blackbeard: ARGH! It be just me and you, flair hair! Goku: Yeah, yeah… wait a minute… Blackbeard: ARGH! What?! Goku: Why am I even using this?! Goku drops the Proton Pack on the ground and flys up to face Stay Puft. Goku: KAMEHAMEHA! Goku fires a Kamehameha at Stay Puft, imploding Stay Puft. He descends to the ground to see that everything is covered in marshmallow. NicePeter: Who’s gonna clean this up? EpicLloyd: MAYS! Billy Mays: Shit. The camera cuts to the Ghostbusters driving away. EpicLloyd: Okay, so, since Goku stopped Stay Puft, Team Capwners wins! Team Capwners cheers but is cut short as a pile of marshmallow starts to shake. A man-size Stay Puft man come out of the pile and stumbles towards the two teams and hosts. Steve Jobs: IT’S BACK! Bill Gates shoves Steve Jobs towards Stay Puft. Steve Jobs: Hey! Goku: Oh come one! KAME- Stay Puft: NO, WAIT! Lady Gaga: It can talk? Stay Puft: Yes, I can, I was trying to communicate. I heard that a contestant failed to show up so… EpicLloyd: So? Stay Puft: Seeing as though I rapped, can I join as a contestant? NicePeter: Hmm… it did throw Team Capwners off since they have 11 members so… yes. Stay Puft: YES! EpicLloyd: Alright, now, Team Irate Pirates, you can go and vote for who you want to go home. The camera cuts to the ceremony. NicePeter: Alright, let’s see here. Blackbeard, Christopher Columbus, Kim Jong-Il, Wilbur Wright, Orville Wright, Steve Jobs- Bill Gates: WHAT?! NicePeter: -Bill Gates- Steve Jobs: WHAT?! NicePeter: -Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, and Mr. Rogers. Sarah Palin, you are at risk because you tired to take control of the team! Sarah Palin: Wait, what? I just said I should be leader, not brutalize Blackbeard… NicePeter: Vince Offer, you are at risk because you are a pervert. Vince Offer: Palin is so hot! Sarah Palin: Freak. NicePeter: And the person going home is! Vince Offer! Vince Offer: So ho- WHAT?! The camera shows Vince Offer in a cannon. Vince Offer: Why. Just why. EpicLloyd: Bye. Just bye. EpicLloyd presses a button and Vince Offer is launched into the distance. NicePeter: And so ends the first episode of Total Drama ERB! Vince Offers is sent home, Stay Puft is now a contestant, and now this episode is over. See y’all next time on Total. EpicLloyd: Drama. Both: ERB! The camera cuts to Team Irate Pirate’s cabin. A shadow looms over Kim Jong-Il. It is Christopher Columbus. Christopher Columbus: Explosive freak, huh? Well I have a special plan for you tomorrow, for now, arrivaderci. Category:Blog posts